If I Had Wings
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" Before you judge me, know this. I was born to be TRUE and not to be PERFECT "


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One of a Hectic Semester...
Monday, 16 April 2018 • 23:44 • 0 comments

Assalammualaikum & Hi dearest readers //giving flying kiss everywhere//

Hahaha! it's been a long time aite that right? Well, yeahhh.. Kinda busy plus to many stressful events coming from everyone this past few month! Urh!

Weeks full of idiot people everywhere.

Not that I want to complain, it's just. Urhhhhh~~~~

Please someone said that they actually have been through what i'm being through now.. Pleaselah weyhhhh.. fyi, ambil degree is kinda challenging at this moment //lol//
By now, dah masuk kali kedua aku deman berturut-turut since starting this sem. Before this, masa ambil diploma, i've never been this actual tired and sick. Well, what's past is still gonna be past. Future ahead is gonna be more crucial for sure.
Sometimes, deep down inside my heart, i just want to quit. Quit everything that i've started here. I want it to be ended quickly. Somehow, half of my heart is totally agreed with me, while the other half?


I don't to disappoint my parents. Especially, my mother since she's the one that have been rooting for me since the start of my Bachelor studies. She has been such a supportive mother that once i hadn't had. Now, kinda terbalik. Hahaha, my father is still the same person. Supportive as ever except that he has a lot more to worried about me and i guess he just don't want me that far from him. Hahaha, well i am away from him again now since i studied in selangor. Selangor to  Kedah takes about 6-7 hours if you're riding buses. Plus, i need more money now to study here. That's one prob that not really can be settled.....

Sebelum ni, mak aku not really this supportive. At the very first time i was taking this course (which is my major culinary art) , actually she's not that approval of my choice. Hm, you know what old people kind of mind. Not so opened minded. Hahaha, maybe since i've grown up now, i'm a bit closer to my mother and she support me until she already told me what she had her mind in planned for my future. /lol/ 
gashhhh, i was actually kinda worried because she is way ahead of my game. Hahahaha, it's not that i hate what she had in mind, it's just i'm worried that it'll cost more money and i don't want to burdened them with that kind of problems. My mak and ayah has gone through so much difficulties on money while raising me up. Plus, i studied in private universiti.

Oookayyyyy. I know what you'll might say. 

"why dia study in private universiti if dia tau parents dia tak mampu?"

"eh, bukan ke banyak je universiti awam? nak jugak bazirkan duit dekat swasta?"

"haaaaa.... anak manja ler ni masuk swasta. Tu masuk swasta kan?"

"mesti gred dia teruk kan? huh, patut laa masuk swasta..."

Kayyy guys.. i think i get the pictures... but NO. I've got my reasons. Plus, since taking my dip aku masuk swasta ok. Aku ni product from FIM (food institute of malaysia) not that gred spm aku cikai or what ever you might think. Fyi, aku budak aliran sains tulen and masuk untuk course memasak ni sebab it's kinda my passion. I love cooking, by cooking i mean more to the eating the things i want to make. Ouh, to make it more clear... ayah aku yang cadangkan untuk masuk je FIM hah. So i do as he said me too. And alhamdulillah, habis 2tahun setengah aku belajar dan dapat segulung diploma. Gred dip aku? alhamdulillah apa yang aku usaha, itu aku dapat. Taknak mintak lebih, sebab bila tamak cgpa tinggi2 ni, dia macam hipokrit sebab dekat situ semua kita nak bolot. Bila dah mula tamak ni, mula laa.. Kawan makan kawan laa, konfliks nonstop gituh. So, alhamdulillah kepada Allah SWT sebab segala usaha aku dah buat, sampai situ jaa aku dapat berdasarkan usaha aku. :)

Hm.... it's been hard this few months actually. Hahahaha, rasa nak putus asa tu kinda always visiting me when my mind is not in the right conditions. For now, alhamdulillah depressions didn't approach me yet! Hahaha, kinda weird right??? i had friends with depressions because of too much stress. Once, it's my own best friend but now she's fine i guess. She's fighting it with her own way. I just wish her the best because i think, this is just a little test because the real world are much more scarier. 
Maybe, this is because i let go of the problems slowly. You know, how i handle with these stuff??

Hahaha, ok.. Kalau nak diceritakan laa, aku macam bersyukur laa jugak dekat Allah SWT sebab bagi aku nampak sebenarnya sedih ke apa ke, kena balik kepada-Nya jugak. Aku nak mengadu dekat -Nya, tapi aku malu. Hehehe, malu sebab aku bukan hamba-Nya yang baik. Selalu tak patuh arahan wajib Dia turunkan dekat hamba2-nya. But, somehow i will always try to improve myself by always reminding myself that everything happens for a reason and that reason will make you stronger that before. Other than that, i'm blessed because of my parents. Bila rasa nak putus asa tu kuat sangat, i just start thinking of my parents. ^_____________________^
Since aku ni anak tunggal, aku taktau laa orang lain macam mana kan? but i'm sad when i think of my far away parents. They're like really rooting for me and hope for the best in my future, somehow i want to repay that all. Aku ni tak laa berasal dari keluarga yang senang. Just from a small family yang cukup-cukup nak makan and use the money for our daily basis. I'm just so sad when thinking of my father because he's getting older, same as my mother and me. The older they are, the more rest they needed, but now ayah tak boleh rest lagi sampailah aku habis bachelor. How can he enjoy his golden age if all he do is worrying about my future and the duit PT that i owe? Memanglah aku nak bayar sendiri but you know what once he said to me?

"ayah takmau anak ayah hidup susah. Biarlah ayah dengan mak yang hidup susah asalkan anak ayah cukup semua."

A love from a father to his only daughter. (okayyy, i'm actually crying when i remembered this)

Ayah and mak will never said that i'm a burden because they think it as their responsibility, but i'm just sad. Once we had everything and in a few years later, we just had each other to be able to support our family.

Haha. Did you know, when i remembered everything that had happened in our little family, it's just makes me think that it's worth of a fight and hurt while i complete this journey in the end. Well, like once wise people said....

It's what i've would always tell myself sometime when i am in a really deep thoughts :)

I don't usually go up and tell people what i REALLY felt eventho i'm more to the extravert kind of person. Even a talkative person i am, but the real feelings only shows up in one of these entries because this is my personal space that i think everyone should have. 

Anyway, enough of my randoms mumbling today. Hehehe, see you guys in the next entry :D

Thinking to myself. . . .
Monday, 29 January 2018 • 00:08 • 2 comments

Hi and Assalammualaikum to everyone who reads this entry today :)

It has been a longgggggg time, right?? Damn! Hahaha, it has already been two month since i've last updated this blog. Berhabuk teruksss blog ni hah.. Hahaha, biasalah.. Dah start busy balik ni (being a student back!!!), bukannya takda masa lansung nak update. Ada je sebenarnya, it's just. . . .my lappy. 

OKAY!! taknak panjang2, so harini pasal??. Who knows serendipity? i mean, like really knows what it mean??? dengar pun pernah ke tak laa kan?? hahaha. Lately laa, i think it i've been thinking too much. You know why? It's just because people change.

Aku mengaku awal2 laa... Aku memang kadang2 tu, cepat terasa //lol// 

Well.? who doesn't right??? hahahaha.

One thing i notice the most, people i use to know in the past (most of them laa, bukan semua) they just. . .being human. HAHAHA! What i mean was, human changed. Accordingly to the season. Aku taktau pulak friendship tu sebenarnya ada tarikh luput. Haha, i'm always stuck between "people's heart is more important than yours so, be FAKE" or "took those bullshits suckers out of your life and love yourself".

Tapi tulaa.. still can't make a decision cause i know i've i choose any of those two, my mind just will set just the way it is. Suddenly, lately ni aku terasa macam orang yang aku kenal dolu2 layan aku macam crap. Damn. To many thoughts i guess. Maybe, and just maybe laaaaa if i don't care much, i wouldn't be in this situations. 

One thing i'm sure now. Aku mungkin bukan pendendam tapi aku memang susah nak maafkan orang sebab once i trust, then you use my trust because of your selfishness, it'll take some time to recover back and i don't think i'll easily forget what you've done. Diam2 aku pun, aku simpan je. Tapi mai satu tahap, aku rasa aku dah tak boleh endure benda tu. You won't think the same of me anymore. 

Sometime, i think i'm just to soft at certain people sampai diorang rasa aku ni macam takda apa pun untuk diorang risaukan. Kadang tu aku takut sebab perangai musibat depa tu, depa yang akan ubah aku jadi seseorang yang depa sendiri taksuka. Then, guess who they'll be blaming if it isn't me?!??//give around of applause to them//

Aku bila banyak berlembut ni, lagi banyak aku taram (taram is simpan. Itu loghat kedah), lagi lama aku sabar, lagi banyak aku perati dari jauh.

It so hard being soft hearted ni. Orang kerja nak pijak kita ja. Even the person who is actually close to us. That is what people should be aware of the most. Jangan ingat yang paling rapat tu paling baik, paling boleh dipercayai. Kadang2, orang yang terapat tu laa paling menyakitkan hati kita dalam diam.

Hah! so, anyway... i think that should be enough for this entry. See you guys in the next entry :*

Ending of Autumn, And a Starting of Winter. . .
Friday, 3 November 2017 • 20:32 • 3 comments

Assalammualaikum & Hi peeps :) 

Bulan ni awalkan aku update blog? Hahaha..
Well, it's november now. Times flies, doesn't it?

Hahahaha, just now.. i was like, listening to BTS_21st Century Girl and suddenly something shock me.. i thought that the song was produce this year, but instead.. it was last year song.. that's how i realize that time leaves us faster than what we might imagine...

Life are short, don't you think so????
Hahaha, btw.. i just graduated and done my convocation!!!! At last... 2 year and half of some happy, some bothersome and just plain memories will remain..malas nak upload gambar convo sebab takda yang gambar sorang dan gambar tak cantik.. hahahaha.. lagipun gambar convo tak penting kan?? kihkihkih

So, just cause it's already november.. it's my birthday month!!!! hahaha, actually i'm hoping for nothing.. haha, just because if you put your expectation to high, in the ending, that was the one that would hurt you the most.. also, i'm thinking of furthering my studies now.. busy finding a job myself, so at least i still can support myself in the future by financially...

One of my not so many experiences in life, (hahaha) what can i conclude is that, just trust yourself and never to lean so much on anybody else. Cause you know why??

Some people are so suffocating in life and the more you think they are the one would be there when you're down or the one would still be there when you needed them the most, they are those the one who would leave you first in the end....
Most human being are just frustrating.. So, just believe in yourself and be the best of you...

Try to bring out the best of you so that the confidence will forever be there and you won't be alone that time... even if someone would just torn apart your faith, or just said that you're not good enough.. well, don't listen to them! they are just bullshitting you..because they know you're stronger..

Hahaha, so many rambling didn't i?

Okay, i'll stop.. but back to the not hoping , soooooo. . .hahah, maybe i have a small wishes.. 
so my wishes is just. . ,

1- my parents well-being in the future
2- financially can support myself and being independent 
3- trying to get my car license T^T
4- in the meantime, i hope i can get a stable job with stable payment..
5- less weight? (funny me..i dont wanna be skinny or something but also i dont wanna be so fat)
6- i got to do the things i like..
7- furthering my studiesssss!!!!!!!
8- vacay? maybe. . .
9- don't want to be burden by pt debt T^T
10- going abroad. . . (big wishes -_- ikr?)

HAHAHAHAHA... so much for not hoping.. ahahaha.. 
anyway, till the next entry guys :)

Next. ? . ?
Saturday, 30 September 2017 • 23:43 • 3 comments

Assalammualaikum & Hi guysssss~

Ya Allahhhhhhh~ lamanya tak update weyhhhhh! Hahaha.. gilalah.. at least dulu sebulan sekali aku update, nahhh.. sekarang dah nak masuk bulan 10 baru nak update blog kau filzah???? 
Sorry if i've make anyone waited for my new entry. Sekarang baru ada masa nak update. Tu pun sebab cuti.. hahaha.. kalau idok lerr, memey dak laa weyh.. pagi reja, malam balik. Mandi, makan, lena, besok ulang benda sama..kadang tu buat cheesecake/cheesekut/western order from my cust. Memang tak rajin laa nak bukak laptop untuk meng-update hah..

Jadinya, harini aku akan meluangkan masa yang masih berbaki ni untuk update blog, walaupun sebenarnya tengah lapar sebab tak makan lagi ni.
Anyways, i'm doing countdown guys! Aku dah nak convo oii~ Tak shabar nak graduate! hehehehe.. but at the same time, i'm missing a lot the moment when i'm still studying. Hahahahaha, jadah kauuuuu~ orang busy2 nak habiskan studies, kau rindu studies? like serious ah...

But yeah.. sumpah rindu.. hahaha... tah laa.. tak best jadi dewasa ni. Many things to think. Many things to handle. urhhhhh.... semua akan berkait dengan duit jugak in the end... 
Sooooooo, baju convo aku tengah otw siap... hahaha.. maybe 50% already done i guess...barang2 convo aku.. urhhh! banyak siot yang aku tak ready lagi.. tgh tunggu duit hah.. nak bayar..

Duit clearence = X
Duit convo = X
Baju convo = 50 %
Kasut = 50 %
Tudung = DONE

Btw, convocation event ada cara berpakaian ya, for those who doesn't know. Ibu bapa punya pakaian pun bersyarat kau ghaseeeee XD actually, in a few weeks je lagi tarikh convo aku.. tak sabar pulak rasa.. hahahaha...tapi borang alumni tak hantaq lagi hang tau!

Hm, nampaknya lepasni dah start real life ah...aku sebenarnya  masih lagi mempunyai harapan nak sambung degree.. hahaha.. tapi tulah.. kemampuan dari segi kewangan pulak tak mengizinkan lagi.. hutang pt tak berbayor lagi T^T
Takkan nak tambah hutang an? Sedangkan hutang orang pun ada lagi tak berbayar, ni kan ada hati nak menambah hutang di dunia ni hah.. hahaha.. Hah! satu peringatan laa sementara tengah sebut benda ni. Semua hutang wajib dibayar walaupun tidak dimintak. Tak silaplah.. aku ada baca dekat mana tah.. hahaha.. tu kadang2 risau... takut pun ada... yelahh.. risau sebab tak terbayar hutangnya, yang jadi takutnya, sebab tak sempat nak bayar hutang di dunia.. jenuh mencari pulak dekat alam barzakh sana pulak T_T

Soooooooo, apa pun... lepasni nak jadi apa eh? sambung terus kerja setahun dua tiga, or sambung deg eh??? hurm.. still making plannings for the future.. hahaha.. tapi kita tengoklah.. setakat mana jaa kemampuan, setakat tu jela boleh p...

Tapi kalau sambung deg, still nak ambik same course ka eh?.. hahaha.. entah laa.. kita tengok plan Allah macam mana.. ^_^

Fyi, alhamdulillah.. hati rasa hilang sikit terbeban. Hahaha, harini outing ngn ma crazy gals sampai kena marah+warning nak kena grounded dekat rumah seumur hidup, kau ghaseeee~ hahahaha, we were just joking and laughing together until, i make a decision to buat heart to heart moment dengan gals aku (whom i trust).

Serious weyh, zaman sekarang.. tak ramai orang kau boleh percaya. Tak ramai kawan kau boleh diharap untuk bimbing kau daripada terpesong. Kadang tu, ada je kawan. Nama je kawan, tapi bila kau dah tersesat jauh baru nak hulur tangan nak bantu. Ada setengah tu, tak bantu pun. Adalah jugak tolong.. 
tolong tengok sampai kau sendiri sedar salah hidup kau.

Sedih. Sumpah sedih. Orang yang faham perasaan macam tu je akan faham apa aku cuba sampaikan ni. Hahahaha.. tak ramai orang rasa apa yang aku penah rasa ni, tapi bagi yang faham, jangan risau.. mungkin apa yang korang penah lalui tu, aku jugak penah lalui. So, rasanya tak salah kalau nangis untuk hilangkan rasa beban kan? 

Sometimes, when we needed a hug, no one would offered to us.. the least thing we could only do were to cry, alone until we're drifted to sleep.

Aku kadang taktau nak rasa apa bila kawan yang kau sebenarnya percaya tu yang boleh biar kau sesat sorang2. Hahaha, terimbas memori pahit last sem tetiba~~~

Sakit tu, bila kau sendiri yang kena. Lonely shial... macam tu rupanya bila kau lonely in a world full of people whom blame you for all the mistakes, even it's not your fault sometimes...

Setengah orang pulak, dia nak kita sendiri faham salah kita dan kita yang kena approach dia. But people make mistakes every second, guys! Don't judge. Kita ni kadang2 tak faham keadaan orang yang kena tu. Kita taktau apa yang dia tengah lalui, so just be by her/his side. Maybe they need us more than they need anything else in the world.

Sekarang semua orang perlukan someone who would stay by their side without judging them, without talking at their back, someone who would understand what they've been through.

So stay.
Don't say shits.
Freakin' stop judging. 

Love Yourself?
Friday, 25 August 2017 • 22:38 • 0 comments

Assalammualaikum and Hi to all~ ~ ~

It's been awhile right? Hahahahaha.. sumpah rindu nak berblogging macam biasa, tapi tula.. nak jadi seorang penulis ni sebenarnya susah.. sumpah susah.. ahahah.. Ni nak cari tajuk entri ni pun, baru dapat idea harini.. Jadi, sebelum kehabisan idea, baik aku taip semua cepat2.. 

Hahahaha, yelah.. Idea tak pernahnya bernas sejak2 otak membeku lepas grad ni hah.. nak tunggu konvo lagi.. Haa! cakap pasal konvo, eeeeeeee!!!!!!! Tak shabar rasanya weyhhhh!!!
>          v           <

InsyaAllah konvo tu bulan 10 ni.. Anything i'll update later..
So, what did i do for now?? Well, working my ass up.. that's what's up guys.. haha, actually to save for some money and that's why i'm working now.. doing some part time work and take an order for any cheesecake/cheesekut/creme caramel.. hahaha
Banyakkan kerja?? tapi tulah.. mood suka melayang. Kerja part time tu pun 12jam.. hm, nasiblah jaga kedai centu jela.. okaylah dapat jugak duit sehari centu.. cuma kena banyak sabar..

Anyway, what's with the entry today?? Haaa, ni semua sebab ketandusan (ehh, betul ke eh?) idea hah. . .so i think of something that relate to me these recently..

and, that is...............


hahahaha.. Yes! yes it is guys.. it's all about eating and food.. Well, tahulah perempuankan? suka makan, tapi taksuka gemuk.. Hmm, if you're saying i'm that kinda person. . .nahhh, i'm maybe not and maybe yes sometimes.. but usually. . .I'll let the appetite and foods, win over me.. hahaha..
Okkkk.. so, semua perempuan SUKA MAKAN but NOT FAT..

They hate being FAT, being CALLED FAT, and being seen LIKE A FAT person.

Can't really blame tho.. sebab kebanyakkan perempuan senang naik berat badan.. hm, aku rasa aku pun senang naik.. hahahaha.. Jadinya, apa kaitan kan?

For me, i like to eat and that's never gonna change. But, being beautiful??
I want to be beautiful...BUT
i can't.. hahaha.. cause i don't have a really strong will to be a beautiful and slim. Haaa, tu jaa problem aku hah. KURUS? CANTIK??
weyh, aku jaga muka pun idokkk hah... macam mana nak cantik?? hahaha.. i've received a lots of tips and everything, but yeahh.. Keinginan yang kuat tu masih belum lahir dalam diri ni untuk paksa diri, mencantikkan dan menjadi kurus. Dulu ramai suruh aku kurus. Tapi tah laa.. nak kurus tu senanglah kalau ada keinginan.. Tapi macam aku ni hah?? Semua tu aku rasa macam baik jadikan angan2.... sebab aku? aku nak buat semua tu? nehhhh~ i'll be thinking more than trice guys.....

It's not that i don't want.. i wanted to... it's just that, takda orang nak encourage aku suruh buat selalu orang buat dengan aku... hahaha, plus, imma stubborn kid...yeahh, can't blame the pregnant mom XD

I guess, maybe i just love myself much more than the willing to be someone new that people also will love? or maybe i'm just pampering myself with this ridiculous appetite craving at midnight?? hahaha.. i think both.. hahaha...

Lepastu, tajuk ni satu sebab dia dah macam BTS punya bakal comeback..hahaha, then kedua sebab haritu aku tengok dekat TLC, about this gonna-be-bride.. dia tengah nak pilih wedding dress laa (okkkk~ so aku suka tengok cerita orang beli baju wedding dress?? so //flip tudung// it's not that weird kayhhh), pastu dia ni plus size punya bride.. She just say it with a laid back tone  and y'know what?? She said, "i just love my shape. Love myself. And love everything that is me. Hell, every piece of me is priceless y'all can't get easily!!" So, one thing i notice.. when you're oversize or plus size, you're starting to doubt yourself and most of the time, you would just shut your life from other people cause you think you won't do better than them. But, in my opinion. YOU'RE WRONG GIRL!

I think, what makes us beautiful is just to be ourselves. Be the one who you've always tend to be. Be confident even you're afraid the world might judge you. Hell, who am i lying too right??
Mulut manusia ni, kita tak boleh tutup.. Lantaklah orang nak nilai kita macam mana sekali ni. Entri ni bukan hanya untuk yang bersaiz muatan lebihan atau gemuk, ini untuk semua yang merasakan diri dia masih tak cukup baik di mata orang di luar sana.

Kita ni hidup untuk nak puaskan hati orang je ke?

Hidup kita ni untuk orang pandang dan nilai je laa? While, we're the one who's struggling??

So, biar orang judge. Mulut dia. Tak boleh nak tutup.

Biar kita risau kena judge dengan satu benda je..

Biarlah risau kita tu hanya pada Dia. Sebab Dia sahaja yang layak menilai kita dari semua segi.

Aku ni bukannya baiknya akhlak sangat. Alim punya bukan. Cuma seorang umat Dia, yang taknak orang lain dekat luar sana yang mungkin ada masalah macam aku, rasa ragu2 dengan diri sendiri sebab rasa diri tak cukup sempurna atau cantik..

Semua dicipta sama rata.

So, apa lagi?? Love yourself guys.. hahaha... ^______^

Okkkk... sekian dulu.. lots of love from me :*