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The Lost of My Great Hero (longest post ever. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED) :')
Wednesday, 31 July 2019 • 00:06 • 1 comments

Hi and Assalammualaikum peeps.

First of all, I would like to start with kindly asked whom has read this to recite AlFatihah to my father who has just passed away recently, on 20th July 2019.


Fuhhh! Hahaha 2019 has been tough. And i'm saying this not only for my situation that recently happened with my arwah ayah. :') I'm saying this to everyone who has been in a rough situation and i hoped you guys are doing much better now even it is still tough to handle. ^_^

So, like I mention earlier. Yes, my father just passed away recently. Today is his tenth day of his death. It left me a big scar. :') I don't even know when will this heal. Well, probably never thoroughly heal, but at least the pain is fading little by little. It also left my mother a big scars in her life. Well, recently before my ayah's death, we faced another death. Which is my grandmother, the mother of my mak. I called her Tokyah. She passed away 5 day before raya. Well, that is of course left my mak a scar, and now? adding more wound to her injured heart.

But no worries. She's enduring it all. She'll be fine. I'll be fine too. InsyaAllah.


Subuh - Ayah nak bangun sembahyang subuh jugak even though he's not strong enough. Dan itulah solat terakhir ayah. :') Solat terakhir ayah yang aku tengok dari mula sampai habis sambil tahan air mata dari mengalir. It hurts just to see him like that. Ayah nampak dah teruk. Lemah sangat. Bernafas pun nampak susah. Every breath he take is a heavy breath. It's like he knew that today's the day. His last hours, minutes. Actually nak bangun ambik wuduk pun dia dah tak mampu tapi dia gagahkan jugak. Sebab dia nak solat. Solat terakhir tu. Masa sampai dekat tandas nak ambik wuduk, he said, "mak, ayah tak nampak apa dah ni. Awat semua hitam. Mak, makkk? Ayah tak nampak dah."
Before that happened, mak aku dah cakap...
"Ayah nak sembahyang jugak kaa? Tak payah laa ayah. Ayah dah tak larat.", but he insisted that, "dakkk. Ayah nak sembahyang jugak.". So mak aku pun pasrah and helped him to carry on his wish to pray. He can't seat anymore on a normal chair, so mak asked me to take the wheelchair out of the room to ease my ayah to pray. He prayed on that wheelchair. :') He can't even move his legs anymore, but he tried his best to perform sholat. It hurts to see him like that.

But we never expected that he would be gone on the same day. His last hours, minutes, are with us. Me and mak. Benda terakhir ayah cakap dekat aku,

After subuh - We moved him outside of the room and lay him on the outside bed. Around 7am, we decided to send him to the hospital. First, ayah takmau pun pergi, tapi lepastu dia setuju. So we called the ambulance. The problem is, the hospital he wanted to go is Hospital Bukit Mertajam cause it was recommended by one of my aunties (bcs she's a retired nurse). Hospital BM has a cancer ward, which my ayah really wanted to be admitted there. Jadi, mula2 kami terpaksa call the nearest hospital to pick him up. Masa one of my other aunties, dia tengah on the phone dengan orang yang bertugas, that person said,
"kalau nak bawak dia pergi Hosp. BM, better ambik private ambulance. Because that is the only solution you have to bring him there."
So, kami pun hired that private ambulance to make sure Ayah sampai ke hospital yang dia nak.
Before the ambulance arrived, i think everyone in the house sempat laa cakap kali terakhir dengan ayah. Then ayah panggil aku and satu badan ayah sejuk actually but ayah kata panas.
"siti filzah....", jadi aku p laa dekat ayah.
"ya ayah?"
"awat ambulance lambat sangat?"
"tulah. Ayah sabaq sat tau. Sattttt jaa. Satgi sampai. Kita p sama2 okay. Tunggu tau. Sat jaa, kakak kat sini tunggu dengan ayah, okay?", i was comforting him. More like comforting myself also. But then he said this and i don't even get the hint that time. If i knew :')
"Kakak, ayah nak mati dah pa??"
"Ish! ayah jangan laa cakap macam tu. Sat ja tau, satgi ambulance sampai. Ayah tunggu tau. Satttttt jaa."

8.30am - Fast forward the time, the private ambulance came and took us there (Hosp. BM) and ayah masuk emergency room. The put 2 drips of water (i dont even know what it is called) sebab one of the doctors said that he's in hypo mode. Sebab for 2 weeks, he has not eaten anything solid. Then, 2jam jugak laa kami (aku dan mak), tunggu luar emergency room before ayah dipindahkan masuk cancer ward.

Around 10am - Ayah was admitted to the cancer ward. Doctor cakap sebelum tu, nak tunggu katil kosong dekat cancer ward tu, but bila aku nak p cari kantin, aku terjumpa guard tu untuk tanya arah. Then, pakcik tu tanya "mai tengok orang sakit ka?", dan aku cakap tak sebenarnya mai untuk admit ayah masuk wad kanser. He was like, "ouhh, kalau wad kanser hat depan ni ja. Tapi jarang la takdak katil kosong. Sebab wad kanser bukannya penuh pun. dalam 5-6 orang ja dalam wad. Tapi pesakit selalunya kurang dari tu."
At that time, i knew. The doctors knew something else. More like preparing for us. Preparing ayah.
After ayah dah admitted masuk wad, lepas 10.30 macam tu, doktor yang bertugas mai. Looking through ayah's medical report. Aku perati je doktor tu punya reaction. He gave many (reactions). First was shocking. Lepastu, nodding like he understood the real situation now.
And that is when, dia pun start mukadimah dia. :') Baru beberapa patah perkataan dia cakap pasal ayah dan cancer, jatuh air mata aku. My heart feels like almost stop beating after hearing all his words.
"okay, boleh saya tau siapa isteri dan anak pesakit?", after dia recognized us. Dia teruskan kata2 dia.
"okayyy, macam ni makcik. Bila saya tengok medical report pakcik, dia memang dah ada cancer dari 2009. Tau kan pakcik ada cancer? So lani stage 4 dan memang sebab tu tak boleh bantu apa dah. Kanser hati memang susah sebab tak boleh cure. Dia tak boleh kemo ka apa. Hati pakcik kalau tengok sini, memang dah rosak dah. So boleh saya tau, kalau nak bawak pakcik , ada siapa tenaga kerja yang boleh tolong buatkan kerja semua? Anak study ka? If possible, jaga ayah. Tangguh sat belajaq boleh kan? If possible la sebab kita nak prepare siap2. Kot2 kalau jauh, and anything happens kira dah tau la condition ayah. Kalau dekat senang, habiskan saat2 terakhir dengan dia"

Mak was shocked. I was double shocked. Everyone was shocked. No one knew he had cancer since 2009. It's already been 10years. He hid it so well.
Rasa luluh. Lutut tak membantu. Jantung rasa nak berhenti. I can't even stop crying. The tears keep on flowing down my cheeks. Never once in my life, having to face through that feelings. At that time, that feelings are unfamiliar and rare. The news hit me. Hit me that it almost made me kneel down my knees.

'Why?'- That was my first question in my mind.

So fast forward lagi, doktor cadangkan. Takpayah bawak balik ayah mai kulim. Better to let him stay dekat wad kanser tu sebab if anything happens, the nurse can handle the situation. So we all agreed.
Later on, is what i didn't know and my Makteh (my other aunties yang call the ambulance) told me what happens next.

11.20-11.25am - Semua orang tengah sibuk. Makteh aku sibuk dengan calling every other siblings (adik beradik ayah aku ada 11, and he's the last one.) Pakteh sibuk uruskan dengan doktor hal ayah. There was only me and mak there. While holding ayah's hand, mak baca doa. Al-Mulk. I can't even look at ayah. Setiap kali aku tengok ayah, air mata aku mengalir non-stop. So, aku pun tabahkan hati. P duduk sebelah ayah. Pegang tangan dia. Tangan dia sejuk and i was hoping that by holding our hands together, tangan ayah boleh warm balik because i can't bare it that time. Tatap wajah cengkung dia yang makin pucat. My heart breaks into pieces. Dengan lafas terakhir dari doa Al-Mulk yang mak baca, mak sayang kedua pipi ayah and lastly ayah punya dahi. Di situlah, hembusnya nafas terakhir Ab. Rahim bin Arshad. Ayah saya. Our one and only. 
Jantung aku..... :'(
Jantung aku time tu rasa macam almost didn't make a sound. Seluruh badan aku sejuk. And what i was thinking that time was, "is my doa termakbul? is it happenig right now? Ya Allah."
Masa aku pegang tangan ayah tu, aku tengok ayah bernafas. Seksa sangat. I don't know what to do. So aku doa.
"ya Allah, kalaulah macam ni sakitnya ayah. Takpalah. Ambiklah. Aku pernah doa yang 'ambiklah ayah bila hati aku betui2 redha' kan? Takpalah ya Allah, kalau macam ni terseksanya ayah, Ambiklah dia. Aku redha. Aku takmau tengok ayah terseksa. Terima kasih bagi pinjam ayah dekat aku selama aku hidup ni. Semua kasih sayang dia aku dapat rasa, jadi terima kasih. Ambiklah ayah. Kesian dia."

And my doa was granted that moment. :')

*the last time i held his cold big hand

11.40am - Pakteh p cari nurse untuk confirmkan kematian ayah. Nurse sampai and confirmkan ayah dah tiada.

*          *         *         *          *

So that is how my 20th July goes by. With crying and crying non-stop. Persiapan jenazah ayah settle dekat Hosp. BM. Bawak balik mai kulim lepas zuhur. Everyone was there. Sekejap sangat waktu aku dengan ayah. Tapi alhamdulillah aku dekat sana pada hari2 terakhir ayah. He was damn happy when i got back home, dengan baju last season liverpool dia. Sekali ja dia pakai. Tu pun try. Then he doesn't want to wear it. Aku siap cakap nak belikan ayah baju Never Give Up yang Mo. Salah pakai lagi. Tunggu nak sampai next weeknya tu ja. Planning siap nak balik Kulim every week, and he even agreed to that. Dia tak cakap anything pun. Our last 'food' together was coolblog. Dia nak sangat aku balik dan makan dengan dia. Either coolblog or slurpee. So i got him coolblog. That's our thing together. The night before his death, ayah tanya aku in the midnight....

"kakak, sayang ayah dak?"

Ayah, i want to let you know this.

Kakak sayang Ayah sangat2. Ayah p cepat sangat. Kenapa ayah buat kakak macam ni? Kenapa ayah tinggai kakak sekarang? Ayah cakap nak mai graduation kakak. Ayah even habaq dekat everyone lagi. But i hope now that you're gone, you're in a better place ayah. Kakak rindu sangat ayah. I missed our fav line. I missed our conversations. I missed your jokes. I just dearly missed you ayah. Never one second of my life that i would think i have to go through this, this early. Tapi ayah jangan risau. Kakak dah redha. 

It's just that i missed you so badly everyday. Even if i'm smiling or laughing. Not one sec that i don't think of you. Everyone missed you Ayah. Semua terasa sangat dengan kepergian Ayah. I'm proud to call myself as your daughter. Your lucky star. Your one and only blessing from Allah that you really grateful for all the misfortune you've been through.

*our last family photo. It was taken 2nd of raya :')

Hero also Sick
Wednesday, 10 July 2019 • 23:45 • 2 comments

Assalammualaikum & Hi.

Heyyy guysss. It's been awhile since I last posted an entry, righttttttt? Hahaha. Since Feb hah, wowwww, lama jugak tu. Well, things got complicated this past few months. ^_^

Soooooooooo, anyway did you guys missed me?? Today, i wanna talk about heroes. Do you have one in your life? I mean, REAL HEROES? Not the supernatural one. Hehe :'D
Well, to tell a story, I actually do. Hahahahaha, today's entry is nothing special actually. It's just an entry about how i've been coping up these few days. As for what i'm saying just now about heroes. I got a hero. One and only. :) 

He's my everything and I am HIS EVERYTHING. Like, HIS one and only EVERYTHING. So, yeah! Find someone who loves you to the infinity like that people! No kidding. Hahahaha, yeah back to the story. Recently, i was shocked by a news. It's kinda heartbreaking story. Almost make me cry out my heart in public (well, actually kinda already did that. HAHAHA) That is of course because he is in a lot of pain (not really a physical pain but still a pain).☹️

I'm sad for him. I feel the pain for him. But in Islam, we call this as fated. Qada' dan Qada'r. Thus, my real writing here is actually more confusing. Me! Myself, I don't know what I really want to write. I don't know how to say the real deal here without feeling sad or cry it out. How to blurted out, "hey! my fav person is sick. Like, sick SICK that cannot be cure? Well, more to dying????" :'D
Get me??? Hahahahaha, anyway that's not....important....hmmmm.

What i really want rn is to be back at a place where i was supposed to be. Where I should really be right now. Not here. Every second i missed with that person is like a black hole of regrets. 

I want to be strong. But sometimes, it hurt just so much more and i want to cry it out. It's just i don't understand WHY i can't do that yet. Hahaha, I know that i am stronger than that, but i want a warm hug with words that can coaxed me saying that everything's gonna be okay. You'll survive. He'll survive. She'll survive. Everyone is going to be alright. There are plenty more time you guys can spend together. 

Then, there's this one inner voice saying that, "you and me both know that you are not the same anymore. Who are you trying to lie at? Are you trying to fool people with that facade? They all care, but never to understands of the situation that is happening."

To be honest? I am a broken piece of human being already. :) Fragile as a glass. Handle with care. Please????? :') 
But i know there are another person who are as broken as i am, so i'm just gonna be here and stronger for that person.

For now, i'm still laughing throughout the moment i'm living, but there is not one second that i'm not sad for him, for her, with him and with her. I know i am a better person with their supports, so i'll try my best for there rest of us.

So, wish me luck 'kay??? :) Love you guys.

February, 2019
Saturday, 9 February 2019 • 00:15 • 5 comments

Assalammualaikum & helloooo peeps! 

WOW! Literally it's been how long now since the last time i've updated my dusty blog? Hahahahahaha, i guess long enough since it's already 2019...duhhhh~

Tbh, i actually wanted to updated my blog long time agoooooo but got stuck half way through cause my baby ferrari (my precious 9y/o hp laptop) having his time of life (broke down for some reason related to audio and cant connect to the wifi) since i'm on my semester break. 
Okay, about my laptop...i know its kinda dumb since i can fix it on my own but yeahhhhhh. That googling thing just doesnt work. I'VE TRIED IT SO STOP JUDGING ME. I look through everything and the result seems like something abt the device manager/admistration just wont give me the permission to fix it cause they say it'll harm my pc something like that laa. Urh, it's complicated and i'm not really the most patient person type. So yeah. I'm using my phone to do this entry today!!!!

Soooooo, it's already february!!!!
I missed my blog so badly, but y'know...hahaha sometimes we (blogger) runs out of idea of what to write. Hence, i'm trying my best to polished back my writing skills //wink// hahaha
It's been also a month since my semester break and well it's a nice break from those bachelor life student. HAHAHAHAHA, but yeahhh. My new sem starting next week. So, wish me luck!!!! ^_^v i hope this sem wont stress me up so much and no more dumbass groupmate or something. Hahaha, insyaAllah everything is going to be smooth....right? Haha. 

Anyway, have you guys watched Dumplin? You can find it on netflix, other sites too. Well, i just watched dumplin while this semester break on xx1 lite (it's an app that you can watch movies if you dont know). 

And obviously it came from a book. //do a hair flipping xD// 
From my personal opinion, it was AWESOMEEEEEE! Well, the movie itself was a brilliant way to show how people these days are acting towards each other. I really love the storyline, and all the cast who was involved in making this movie a success. It really touched my heart when i watched this movie cause,...the people who knows me know how well physically i look like. Maybe i'm not as big as Willowdean a.k.a Dumplin in the movie, but i'm totally in her team of sizes. Hahahahahaha. This movie has taught me a lot of things and i really appreciated it. Once, i'm not that "so-confidence" kinda girl. I'm just the type that ignores other who were talking about me or my size. Just like willowdean at first, but then after watching this movie, it helps me built up my confidences and makes me proud of calling myself a beauty. (persetankan apa org nak cakap. If you dont say you're pretty/beautiful, who else gonna say that to your face? Huhhh?????)
Hahaha, well yeah i know. Everyone has insecurity. I have too! Totally still have it, but sometimes, words are just words. First, we need to have a belief. Believe in our own self and then the confidence comes next. Just start believing in ourselves helps to built up the confidences. 

Guysss, for those who still has insecurity in yourself. I suggest you to watch this movie or others which i can list it in the next entry!! :D
All of these confidence i have now, it helps me to grow into a better person and a better woman. Hahahahaha, 2019 huh?? How time flies. It doesn't feels like i'm in my final year of bachelor. Serious talk weyh. Hahahahahahaha....

Therefore, i guess i'll stop stop writing here for now. Above is a quote that i think will inspire anyone who understands the deep meaning of it. So, till next time peeps! Maybe i'll be focusing more on writing about what has built my confidences or things that motivates me and the journey of my final year in bachelor.

See you guys in next entry //mini love for everyone who spend their time on reading this lame entry// XD

Play Hard, Hustle Harder
Wednesday, 5 September 2018 • 19:33 • 3 comments

Assalammualaikum & Hello peeps!

I think it's been a longggggggggg time since i last wrote an entry. Plus, it's already SEPTEMBER~
Hahahahahaha, kinda funny since it's been awhile for me not to updating ANYTHING cause usually i would update an entry for at least once a month.

Huh, i don't know what has come over me until i don't feel like updating about anything anymore. Maybe i've lost the touch of writing T^T which once i loved the most. Or, i'm just aging //lol// 
Pfft! but who am i kidding //face palm myself// i'm just freaking lazy and i don't have any ideas what to update about. (meh.....)

So, life's been better i think. As a deg student myself, i think it's been smooth. Well, not to smooth but better in many aspects i guess. More experience, more in gaining knowledge but yeahhhh~ less in financially //lol//

STUDENT ARE FAIRLY VERY POOR SOMETIMES. NO JOKE though... hahaha, but seriously. Being a student and your financial are just barely enough are just normal from what i can say. ^_^'

Anyway, this entry are actually a draft that i've been saved for months XD well, i did say that i'm last right????

basically, this is how the entry was before until i decided to update it tonight -.-'

So, before i got more lazier than i am now, let's just post this entry okay? Anyway, maybe my kind of writing are going to change somehow but i don't know yet. 

Till next entry peeps! Adios~

One of a Hectic Semester...
Monday, 16 April 2018 • 23:44 • 4 comments

Assalammualaikum & Hi dearest readers //giving flying kiss everywhere//

Hahaha! it's been a long time aite that right? Well, yeahhh.. Kinda busy plus to many stressful events coming from everyone this past few month! Urh!

Weeks full of idiot people everywhere.

Not that I want to complain, it's just. Urhhhhh~~~~

Please someone said that they actually have been through what i'm being through now.. Pleaselah weyhhhh.. fyi, ambil degree is kinda challenging at this moment //lol//
By now, dah masuk kali kedua aku deman berturut-turut since starting this sem. Before this, masa ambil diploma, i've never been this actual tired and sick. Well, what's past is still gonna be past. Future ahead is gonna be more crucial for sure.
Sometimes, deep down inside my heart, i just want to quit. Quit everything that i've started here. I want it to be ended quickly. Somehow, half of my heart is totally agreed with me, while the other half?


I don't to disappoint my parents. Especially, my mother since she's the one that have been rooting for me since the start of my Bachelor studies. She has been such a supportive mother that once i hadn't had. Now, kinda terbalik. Hahaha, my father is still the same person. Supportive as ever except that he has a lot more to worried about me and i guess he just don't want me that far from him. Hahaha, well i am away from him again now since i studied in selangor. Selangor to  Kedah takes about 6-7 hours if you're riding buses. Plus, i need more money now to study here. That's one prob that not really can be settled.....

Sebelum ni, mak aku not really this supportive. At the very first time i was taking this course (which is my major culinary art) , actually she's not that approval of my choice. Hm, you know what old people kind of mind. Not so opened minded. Hahaha, maybe since i've grown up now, i'm a bit closer to my mother and she support me until she already told me what she had her mind in planned for my future. /lol/ 
gashhhh, i was actually kinda worried because she is way ahead of my game. Hahahaha, it's not that i hate what she had in mind, it's just i'm worried that it'll cost more money and i don't want to burdened them with that kind of problems. My mak and ayah has gone through so much difficulties on money while raising me up. Plus, i studied in private universiti.

Oookayyyyy. I know what you'll might say. 

"why dia study in private universiti if dia tau parents dia tak mampu?"

"eh, bukan ke banyak je universiti awam? nak jugak bazirkan duit dekat swasta?"

"haaaaa.... anak manja ler ni masuk swasta. Tu masuk swasta kan?"

"mesti gred dia teruk kan? huh, patut laa masuk swasta..."

Kayyy guys.. i think i get the pictures... but NO. I've got my reasons. Plus, since taking my dip aku masuk swasta ok. Aku ni product from FIM (food institute of malaysia) not that gred spm aku cikai or what ever you might think. Fyi, aku budak aliran sains tulen and masuk untuk course memasak ni sebab it's kinda my passion. I love cooking, by cooking i mean more to the eating the things i want to make. Ouh, to make it more clear... ayah aku yang cadangkan untuk masuk je FIM hah. So i do as he said me too. And alhamdulillah, habis 2tahun setengah aku belajar dan dapat segulung diploma. Gred dip aku? alhamdulillah apa yang aku usaha, itu aku dapat. Taknak mintak lebih, sebab bila tamak cgpa tinggi2 ni, dia macam hipokrit sebab dekat situ semua kita nak bolot. Bila dah mula tamak ni, mula laa.. Kawan makan kawan laa, konfliks nonstop gituh. So, alhamdulillah kepada Allah SWT sebab segala usaha aku dah buat, sampai situ jaa aku dapat berdasarkan usaha aku. :)

Hm.... it's been hard this few months actually. Hahahaha, rasa nak putus asa tu kinda always visiting me when my mind is not in the right conditions. For now, alhamdulillah depressions didn't approach me yet! Hahaha, kinda weird right??? i had friends with depressions because of too much stress. Once, it's my own best friend but now she's fine i guess. She's fighting it with her own way. I just wish her the best because i think, this is just a little test because the real world are much more scarier. 
Maybe, this is because i let go of the problems slowly. You know, how i handle with these stuff??

Hahaha, ok.. Kalau nak diceritakan laa, aku macam bersyukur laa jugak dekat Allah SWT sebab bagi aku nampak sebenarnya sedih ke apa ke, kena balik kepada-Nya jugak. Aku nak mengadu dekat -Nya, tapi aku malu. Hehehe, malu sebab aku bukan hamba-Nya yang baik. Selalu tak patuh arahan wajib Dia turunkan dekat hamba2-nya. But, somehow i will always try to improve myself by always reminding myself that everything happens for a reason and that reason will make you stronger that before. Other than that, i'm blessed because of my parents. Bila rasa nak putus asa tu kuat sangat, i just start thinking of my parents. ^_____________________^
Since aku ni anak tunggal, aku taktau laa orang lain macam mana kan? but i'm sad when i think of my far away parents. They're like really rooting for me and hope for the best in my future, somehow i want to repay that all. Aku ni tak laa berasal dari keluarga yang senang. Just from a small family yang cukup-cukup nak makan and use the money for our daily basis. I'm just so sad when thinking of my father because he's getting older, same as my mother and me. The older they are, the more rest they needed, but now ayah tak boleh rest lagi sampailah aku habis bachelor. How can he enjoy his golden age if all he do is worrying about my future and the duit PT that i owe? Memanglah aku nak bayar sendiri but you know what once he said to me?

"ayah takmau anak ayah hidup susah. Biarlah ayah dengan mak yang hidup susah asalkan anak ayah cukup semua."

A love from a father to his only daughter. (okayyy, i'm actually crying when i remembered this)

Ayah and mak will never said that i'm a burden because they think it as their responsibility, but i'm just sad. Once we had everything and in a few years later, we just had each other to be able to support our family.

Haha. Did you know, when i remembered everything that had happened in our little family, it's just makes me think that it's worth of a fight and hurt while i complete this journey in the end. Well, like once wise people said....

It's what i've would always tell myself sometime when i am in a really deep thoughts :)

I don't usually go up and tell people what i REALLY felt eventho i'm more to the extravert kind of person. Even a talkative person i am, but the real feelings only shows up in one of these entries because this is my personal space that i think everyone should have. 

Anyway, enough of my randoms mumbling today. Hehehe, see you guys in the next entry :D