Drives me insane!
Assalammualaikum & Hi peeps!
WAWWWWW, just wawwww~ Akhirnya gue itu decided jugak untuk nak update entry blog gue yang udahh usang ni. Hahahahhahhaha, it''s been awhile since i last wrote here. Think, imma bit rusty in writingg now, but anyways i hope this entry that contain my feelings can reach you guys or anyone out there that might be in the same situation as i am right now,i just wanted you guys to know that you're not alone and there are people who understands you in a way. Lesget started then?
So i'm back again with one of another rant i wanted to share (i guess it's a rant laa since itu jela aku buat dekat blog ni. Kalau tak luah, beletiaq tak sudah HHAHHAHHA)
If anyone has been wondering, life has been busy for me. Since the pandemic of Covid-19 that hit us all around the world, life has changed. Our normal, has it's own norm now. All the routine are changing because we're talking about disease that is new to us and never been heard before and we're all are taking precautious (idk if i spell that right? so, sorry in advance for the grammatically errors along the entire entry *bowing my head down*) steps everyday.
Life has been hard on everyone i guess this year. It hit differently, aite?
Anyway, back to my story....
I'm busy finishing up my internship for my bachelor, i think i might end the internship within a week or so. So wish me luck! on my presentation and report so that i can finish this and move on to my "new phase" of life. Yuhuu~ Yea meeeee~ (please do bare in mind that the whole bold line is in a sarcastic tone). It's been a year now that my ayah passed away, and it still hits me the same. The reality to face the fact that i no longer has someone that i can call home when i'm tired and rant everything that happened in my day or tell how i really missed that person so much because i'm tired to deal with everyone else and i only need that person's encouraging words to keep me stand up on my feet and still walk down the path i'm taking, just so hurtful in a way that i don't know if other people might ever feel the same as i do.
Mentally,....
I'm so beaten up by reality that all i wanted to do is to die. Somehow.... I know, it sounds dark. And psycho??? you can call that i guess?? .____________.'
I'm such a mess! Urgggggghhhhhhhh! until i feel that no one else understood me,...
But i know, my mind is playing that trick on me. What trick you might asked? Overthinking on suicidal thoughts, loneliness and every other things that are depressingly pushing me into some corner room of my mind.
Deep.
Yea, i know. And it is sad to be in that situation, but i can't help it sometimes. Maybe, i'm not spiritually connected enough to my Creator. I admit. But, i'm a human being that make mistakes every single day. I feel sorry for myself sometimes. Do you guys understand that feeling? Do comment on this entry if you also do ever felt like that.
...
Fuhhhhhh, done mentally talking about that.
So on to how am i physically feels like?
When you're in this line of work (my line of work is in hospitality industry. So basically, everyday since the past 3-4 months i've been working in the kitchen every morning. LITERALLY, every morning cause i shift are only morning. The reason to that is cause, i'm the only girl in the kitchen. Everyday, surrounded by men. The end.), you barely get enough energy if you sleep late or not eating correctly... Therefore, for the 1st month of my internship, i'm beaten up mentally and physically. No argue on that. But later on, i get used to it, then it became routines. Less or more, still physically exhausted some days. Luckily gonna be done in few days. Aamiin.
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Maka, itulah konklusi kehidupan new norm dan rutin baru aku selama setahun ni. Aku start intern bulan march haritu (in case if anyone every wondered) tapi kena sambung patutnya sampai hujungg bulan ni, tapi HR gue yang set tarikh bila aku habis since aku kena lengkapkan 16minggu jaa untuk completekan 75% smtg of the report dan untuk nak present nanti, so dia bagi sampai tarikh 12/9 ni untuk aku. Hehehehehe.
Btw, aku masih sedih sebenarnya. It's about my mother. In terms, it's not sad but more to frustrated. Dari kecik, sampai besar aku rasa aku ni malang dalam bertuah? hm, is that how i should put it?? hmphhhh... or more suitable words would be "not that lucky to be born as an only child" laaa, sebab too many expectations/hopes and people that put pressures in my life. Haa, and one of it is mak aku laa. I hate being her daughter. I'm sorry because i know i wasn't supposed to say that kinda stuff, but it suffocate me, my whole life. Okay laa, put it like this.
"DO YOU LIKE BEING A DISAPPOINTMENT TO YOUR PARENTS?"
No laa kan? Who likes that anyway kan? Kita semua nak fulfill their wishes, right? So... If we can't be that perfect son/daughter them, it's disappointing right? even to ourselves. We would feel failures. Not to be able to do what they want even we tried our best.
So, ever since aku kecik aku ni selalu rasa macam i'm a disappointment for mak aku. I barely can achieve what she wanted me to. I rarely follows what she wants me to. I would disagree to almost everything she set/force me to. Since kecik ye, bare that in mind. Okay laa, everyone mesti pernah rasa dibandingkan masa kecik2 kan?? Either with your cousins or one of your friends. I HATE IT. But she never take note of it cause maybe laa, mak aku rasa "ouh, kena cakap macam ni maybe dia on dia punya fight mode to usaha lebih", but noooooo makkkkk. It hurts me. Deeply, and gives me scars for the rest of my life. That's why i don't get along with you. How can ahh, parents dulu2 scars dia punya anak2 dengan words and the way they bandingkan depa? Don't they know the affects that were left in the mind of a child? Write this entry, makes me cry. Because the pressure of being an only child, scars me for life. No one can change that. Can you guys imagine, in a mind of child that maybe around 10-12 years old already buried the thoughts of suicide or dying is a better choice than living to carry the expectations of people around that child.
Aku taktau laa, berapa orang yang rasa sama macam aku. Tapi ini apa aku rasa. The pressure are sometimes too much. Legitimately, just too much.
So, how come baru harini aku nak tulis entry and tajuk macam ni pulak? Sebab aku letih.
Nak dijadikan cerita, balik kerja tadi dah lewat. Sampai rumah, dah penat jadi double sebab kena hadap jam and everything, then sampai2 duduk kejap thiberrrrr kauuuu.... your parents be like, "HAA, LEPASNI YOU HAVE TO LIVE BY MY RULES CAUSE I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE. You either have to go by my rules, or live your life without my blessing."
Tapi, takdaklah mak aku cakap macam tu. It's just she decided/planned out things (without my consent) and banned me to do some of my leisure activities because she thinks it's trash and imma be useless if i still wanna live my youth to the fullest and might follow my ayah's footstep into misfortune series of his life. Vualaaaaa~
Senang cerita, i can't be like the other girls because i'm her daughter and how she wanted me to be is how i am supposed to be. By hook or by crook. End of story, or i can move out on my own and live my life based on my own earning tanpa menyusahkan hidup dia dah sampai aku mati. The end. Senang kan boleh jadi gila? Pressure je, terus mental breakdown. Yup. That me.
I think sampai sini jela kowt. Nak tido haa, besok kijo... See y'all in the next entry. Sorry ahh outro gue ke laut, dah karam sebab otak dah letih HAHAHAHA~
Ciao~
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