The Lost of My Great Hero (longest post ever. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED) :')

Hi and Assalammualaikum peeps.

First of all, I would like to start with kindly asked whom has read this to recite AlFatihah to my father who has just passed away recently, on 20th July 2019.

Bismillah.

Fuhhh! Hahaha 2019 has been tough. And i'm saying this not only for my situation that recently happened with my arwah ayah. :') I'm saying this to everyone who has been in a rough situation and i hoped you guys are doing much better now even it is still tough to handle. ^_^

So, like I mention earlier. Yes, my father just passed away recently. Today is his tenth day of his death. It left me a big scar. :') I don't even know when will this heal. Well, probably never thoroughly heal, but at least the pain is fading little by little. It also left my mother a big scars in her life. Well, recently before my ayah's death, we faced another death. Which is my grandmother, the mother of my mak. I called her Tokyah. She passed away 5 day before raya. Well, that is of course left my mak a scar, and now? adding more wound to her injured heart.

But no worries. She's enduring it all. She'll be fine. I'll be fine too. InsyaAllah.

20/7/2019

Subuh - Ayah nak bangun sembahyang subuh jugak even though he's not strong enough. Dan itulah solat terakhir ayah. :') Solat terakhir ayah yang aku tengok dari mula sampai habis sambil tahan air mata dari mengalir. It hurts just to see him like that. Ayah nampak dah teruk. Lemah sangat. Bernafas pun nampak susah. Every breath he take is a heavy breath. It's like he knew that today's the day. His last hours, minutes. Actually nak bangun ambik wuduk pun dia dah tak mampu tapi dia gagahkan jugak. Sebab dia nak solat. Solat terakhir tu. Masa sampai dekat tandas nak ambik wuduk, he said, "mak, ayah tak nampak apa dah ni. Awat semua hitam. Mak, makkk? Ayah tak nampak dah."
Before that happened, mak aku dah cakap...
"Ayah nak sembahyang jugak kaa? Tak payah laa ayah. Ayah dah tak larat.", but he insisted that, "dakkk. Ayah nak sembahyang jugak.". So mak aku pun pasrah and helped him to carry on his wish to pray. He can't seat anymore on a normal chair, so mak asked me to take the wheelchair out of the room to ease my ayah to pray. He prayed on that wheelchair. :') He can't even move his legs anymore, but he tried his best to perform sholat. It hurts to see him like that.

But we never expected that he would be gone on the same day. His last hours, minutes, are with us. Me and mak. Benda terakhir ayah cakap dekat aku,

After subuh - We moved him outside of the room and lay him on the outside bed. Around 7am, we decided to send him to the hospital. First, ayah takmau pun pergi, tapi lepastu dia setuju. So we called the ambulance. The problem is, the hospital he wanted to go is Hospital Bukit Mertajam cause it was recommended by one of my aunties (bcs she's a retired nurse). Hospital BM has a cancer ward, which my ayah really wanted to be admitted there. Jadi, mula2 kami terpaksa call the nearest hospital to pick him up. Masa one of my other aunties, dia tengah on the phone dengan orang yang bertugas, that person said,
"kalau nak bawak dia pergi Hosp. BM, better ambik private ambulance. Because that is the only solution you have to bring him there."
So, kami pun hired that private ambulance to make sure Ayah sampai ke hospital yang dia nak.
Before the ambulance arrived, i think everyone in the house sempat laa cakap kali terakhir dengan ayah. Then ayah panggil aku and satu badan ayah sejuk actually but ayah kata panas.
"siti filzah....", jadi aku p laa dekat ayah.
"ya ayah?"
"awat ambulance lambat sangat?"
"tulah. Ayah sabaq sat tau. Sattttt jaa. Satgi sampai. Kita p sama2 okay. Tunggu tau. Sat jaa, kakak kat sini tunggu dengan ayah, okay?", i was comforting him. More like comforting myself also. But then he said this and i don't even get the hint that time. If i knew :')
"Kakak, ayah nak mati dah pa??"
"Ish! ayah jangan laa cakap macam tu. Sat ja tau, satgi ambulance sampai. Ayah tunggu tau. Satttttt jaa."

8.30am - Fast forward the time, the private ambulance came and took us there (Hosp. BM) and ayah masuk emergency room. The put 2 drips of water (i dont even know what it is called) sebab one of the doctors said that he's in hypo mode. Sebab for 2 weeks, he has not eaten anything solid. Then, 2jam jugak laa kami (aku dan mak), tunggu luar emergency room before ayah dipindahkan masuk cancer ward.

Around 10am - Ayah was admitted to the cancer ward. Doctor cakap sebelum tu, nak tunggu katil kosong dekat cancer ward tu, but bila aku nak p cari kantin, aku terjumpa guard tu untuk tanya arah. Then, pakcik tu tanya "mai tengok orang sakit ka?", dan aku cakap tak sebenarnya mai untuk admit ayah masuk wad kanser. He was like, "ouhh, kalau wad kanser hat depan ni ja. Tapi jarang la takdak katil kosong. Sebab wad kanser bukannya penuh pun. dalam 5-6 orang ja dalam wad. Tapi pesakit selalunya kurang dari tu."
At that time, i knew. The doctors knew something else. More like preparing for us. Preparing ayah.
After ayah dah admitted masuk wad, lepas 10.30 macam tu, doktor yang bertugas mai. Looking through ayah's medical report. Aku perati je doktor tu punya reaction. He gave many (reactions). First was shocking. Lepastu, nodding like he understood the real situation now.
And that is when, dia pun start mukadimah dia. :') Baru beberapa patah perkataan dia cakap pasal ayah dan cancer, jatuh air mata aku. My heart feels like almost stop beating after hearing all his words.
"okay, boleh saya tau siapa isteri dan anak pesakit?", after dia recognized us. Dia teruskan kata2 dia.
"okayyy, macam ni makcik. Bila saya tengok medical report pakcik, dia memang dah ada cancer dari 2009. Tau kan pakcik ada cancer? So lani stage 4 dan memang sebab tu tak boleh bantu apa dah. Kanser hati memang susah sebab tak boleh cure. Dia tak boleh kemo ka apa. Hati pakcik kalau tengok sini, memang dah rosak dah. So boleh saya tau, kalau nak bawak pakcik , ada siapa tenaga kerja yang boleh tolong buatkan kerja semua? Anak study ka? If possible, jaga ayah. Tangguh sat belajaq boleh kan? If possible la sebab kita nak prepare siap2. Kot2 kalau jauh, and anything happens kira dah tau la condition ayah. Kalau dekat senang, habiskan saat2 terakhir dengan dia"

Mak was shocked. I was double shocked. Everyone was shocked. No one knew he had cancer since 2009. It's already been 10years. He hid it so well.
Rasa luluh. Lutut tak membantu. Jantung rasa nak berhenti. I can't even stop crying. The tears keep on flowing down my cheeks. Never once in my life, having to face through that feelings. At that time, that feelings are unfamiliar and rare. The news hit me. Hit me that it almost made me kneel down my knees.

'Why?'- That was my first question in my mind.

So fast forward lagi, doktor cadangkan. Takpayah bawak balik ayah mai kulim. Better to let him stay dekat wad kanser tu sebab if anything happens, the nurse can handle the situation. So we all agreed.
Later on, is what i didn't know and my Makteh (my other aunties yang call the ambulance) told me what happens next.

11.20-11.25am - Semua orang tengah sibuk. Makteh aku sibuk dengan calling every other siblings (adik beradik ayah aku ada 11, and he's the last one.) Pakteh sibuk uruskan dengan doktor hal ayah. There was only me and mak there. While holding ayah's hand, mak baca doa. Al-Mulk. I can't even look at ayah. Setiap kali aku tengok ayah, air mata aku mengalir non-stop. So, aku pun tabahkan hati. P duduk sebelah ayah. Pegang tangan dia. Tangan dia sejuk and i was hoping that by holding our hands together, tangan ayah boleh warm balik because i can't bare it that time. Tatap wajah cengkung dia yang makin pucat. My heart breaks into pieces. Dengan lafas terakhir dari doa Al-Mulk yang mak baca, mak sayang kedua pipi ayah and lastly ayah punya dahi. Di situlah, hembusnya nafas terakhir Ab. Rahim bin Arshad. Ayah saya. Our one and only.
Jantung aku..... :'(
Jantung aku time tu rasa macam almost didn't make a sound. Seluruh badan aku sejuk. And what i was thinking that time was, "is my doa termakbul? is it happenig right now? Ya Allah."
Masa aku pegang tangan ayah tu, aku tengok ayah bernafas. Seksa sangat. I don't know what to do. So aku doa.
"ya Allah, kalaulah macam ni sakitnya ayah. Takpalah. Ambiklah. Aku pernah doa yang 'ambiklah ayah bila hati aku betui2 redha' kan? Takpalah ya Allah, kalau macam ni terseksanya ayah, Ambiklah dia. Aku redha. Aku takmau tengok ayah terseksa. Terima kasih bagi pinjam ayah dekat aku selama aku hidup ni. Semua kasih sayang dia aku dapat rasa, jadi terima kasih. Ambiklah ayah. Kesian dia."

And my doa was granted that moment. :')

*the last time i held his cold big hand

11.40am - Pakteh p cari nurse untuk confirmkan kematian ayah. Nurse sampai and confirmkan ayah dah tiada.

* * * * *

So that is how my 20th July goes by. With crying and crying non-stop. Persiapan jenazah ayah settle dekat Hosp. BM. Bawak balik mai kulim lepas zuhur. Everyone was there. Sekejap sangat waktu aku dengan ayah. Tapi alhamdulillah aku dekat sana pada hari2 terakhir ayah. He was damn happy when i got back home, dengan baju last season liverpool dia. Sekali ja dia pakai. Tu pun try. Then he doesn't want to wear it. Aku siap cakap nak belikan ayah baju Never Give Up yang Mo. Salah pakai lagi. Tunggu nak sampai next weeknya tu ja. Planning siap nak balik Kulim every week, and he even agreed to that. Dia tak cakap anything pun. Our last 'food' together was coolblog. Dia nak sangat aku balik dan makan dengan dia. Either coolblog or slurpee. So i got him coolblog. That's our thing together. The night before his death, ayah tanya aku in the midnight....

"kakak, sayang ayah dak?"

Ayah, i want to let you know this.

Kakak sayang Ayah sangat2. Ayah p cepat sangat. Kenapa ayah buat kakak macam ni? Kenapa ayah tinggai kakak sekarang? Ayah cakap nak mai graduation kakak. Ayah even habaq dekat everyone lagi. But i hope now that you're gone, you're in a better place ayah. Kakak rindu sangat ayah. I missed our fav line. I missed our conversations. I missed your jokes. I just dearly missed you ayah. Never one second of my life that i would think i have to go through this, this early. Tapi ayah jangan risau. Kakak dah redha.

It's just that i missed you so badly everyday. Even if i'm smiling or laughing. Not one sec that i don't think of you. Everyone missed you Ayah. Semua terasa sangat dengan kepergian Ayah. I'm proud to call myself as your daughter. Your lucky star. Your one and only blessing from Allah that you really grateful for all the misfortune you've been through.